Piranha 3DD | Gamerillaz

Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD

Shoddy, cock-handed knockoff of the original Piranha 3d, which came out in 2010. This clearly troubled production has been sitting in limbo for nearly a year before bypassing theatres and flopping weakly onto dvd. The original, starring Kelly Brooks’ breasts and some stellar gore from director Alexander Aja was certainly no classic but it’s Tolstoy by way of David Lean compared to this clumsy offspring. You can tell from the title alone that movie doesnt aim high…its not even aiming, its spraying frantically like a aroused young boy at an epileptic piss festival hoping that enough fake boobs and fake blood will keep the idiotic audience grinning and idly rubbing themselves through their pants.

Pretty much the same plot – bad fish eat scantily clad women in a water park – aided by a hero bearing a disturbing resemblance to Gary Neville and a needlessly extended cameo from David Hasselhoff playing himself. Clocking in at barely over an hour, with dull gore effects and stunning dialogue like “Josh cut off his penis because¬†something came out of my vagina”, it’s a spectacular fumble at an alleged 20 million budget. A fish eats a lad’s knob, another fish gets stuck in an fat guy’s arse….it’s just not creative enough to get away with the tacky humour and forced camp. It’s a shame as it’s from the team that gave us the Feast Trilogy, which for all their huge defects, actually had a weird and enjoyably warped vibe. ¬†In the meantime, throw this flapping overly-boobed mutant back in the water.

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