The Artist | Gamerillaz

The Artist

The Artist
 

Now, much as I enjoy a good exploitation pic involving screaming, gore and genitals there are occasions when my natural cinematic urges are hindered by more primal ones. “I don’t want to watch anything with zombies or lesbian cannibals” – I was told – “I want to watch The Artist. It’s all… arty and that.” So you can blame Mrs Enos and my throbbing member for this one.
You cant have missed the hype for The Artist, it’s been in our faces like monochrome impetigo for months now. A french, black and white, silent movie cleaned up at the oscars, scooping the best actor, director and movie awards and seems to have utterly seduced every movie critic on the planet. I am absolutely, genuinely baffled. It’s as dull as f**king water le dishe. It’s a bacterially basic story about a Silent Movie star with a dodgy tache and good eyebrows who ends up on the rocks when the industry leaves him behind with “talkies” and his wife does a runner. There’s redemption, good teeth, OTT music (which also won an oscar, obviously) and a cute dog. It’s technically very clever, everything about it – the aspect ratio, occasional vignetting, the contrast – all well-observed and convincing. But I dont see what has people clapping and cheering as the credits roll. I’m confused, I feel left out and slowly getting angrier. Am I slowly developing a form of cinematic asbergers or has the Emperor got his knob out again?
It seemed interminable… when it was finally over I turned to Mrs Enos and said “what the f^&$%* was that?!”.  She said “Umm…The sets were nice.” Perhaps its a film you need to experience in the right setting. Perhaps in the cinema the urge to check your phone every 5 minutes and yawn are somehow curtailed and the movie/audience perform some kind of weird mind-meld, like Doogie Howser and that gee-faced maggot at the end of Starship Troopers. Which is a movie that will never win any oscars, but one which I’d watch quite literally watch 100 times before I’d bleed my eyes on le fookin Artist again. It’s so soul-drainingly dull I  couldnt perform my manly duties for Mrs Enos that night either. Merde!
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