Ironclad | Gamerillaz

Ironclad

Ironclad
 

Mildly decaptivating dark age nonsense with ultra-hard Knights Templar James Purfoy dismembering dozens of danish mercenaries in a really rather grisly fashion as he defends Rochester castle from tortoise-faced throne-botherer King John. It’s a peculiar little medieval gorefest this. Good cast, all of them gurning and/or sleepwalking their way through an uninspired script and lots of unintentional humour. Gareth from The Office makes an appearance as well, as one of Purfoy’s rag-tag band of heroics.

The body count is ludicrous and there are some spectacular kills, despite the best efforts of the cinematographer (the film seems to have been shot on digital video by a dwarf suffering from parkinsons and a badly calibrated steadicam and looks curiously flat and shiny, plus all the action is shot in that annoying high shutter speed “Private Ryan” way) It’s also edited quite weirdly…the bloodletting is jittery and way too choppy, and the rest of the film gives the distinct impression of a much longer piece that’s been meddled with and significantly pruned in post-production. I also can’t actually remember the score…I can’t even remember if it had any music at all. And this is a movie I watched only a couple of hours ago. But there’s no real reason to delve too deeply into Ironclad’s physiology, it’s a braindead medieval siege actioner with enough extreme gore to make Paul Verhoeven gasp and touch himself through his tight pants while singing a subversive dutch song about vaginas.

It possesses almost none of the qualities that make a “good” movie but, it’s perfectly machined for 5 lads to watch after multiple units of alcohol…Look just watch it or I’ll stab you in the mouth with my massive weapon.

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