Orcs! | Gamerillaz

Orcs!

Orcs!
 

Whoa, here we go…are you ready for a entirely worthless 78 minutes of cack that nearly approaches the execrable Birdemic in its quite stunning lack of craft imagination and intelligence? I have nothing against the fantasy/contemporary mash-up concept as such…I think a pc shooter where you ethnically cleanse jrr tolkien’s middle earth of everything with hairy feet or pointy ears armed with nothing more than a mp40, multiple claymores, infinite ammunition and a briefcase-sized tactical nuke would be great.

The story of the movie, in its entirety…a couple of park rangers and a blond get chased by orcs in a forest,  hole up in an building and then shoot all the orcs with guns. That’s the entire f**king poxing movie! It’s so lazy and malformed that I’m really going to get medieval on its cheap ass.
It may be intended as some kind of modern-day tribute to the LOTR movies and does have a few really badly done tribute sequences, and the orcs – which appear for no reason, with no backstory, motive or movie logic – are direct homages to the uruk-hai from the Two Towers…except instead of being played by giant intimidating double-hard maoris the orcs in this mess seem to be played by a mob of shuffling 14 year olds with palsy. Its also incredibly tame, you’d think a movie with such limited ambition would at least bring the splatter. Does it? Does it f**k.  There’s not even any nudey women.I’ll tell you one thing…if you love to see orcs fall over stiffly after being shot by a man with a moustache toting a fake looking gun than you’ll cream your jeans over this. You see this a lot.

Listen, if you are going to carpetbag some villains from a completely unrelated mythos into your own feeble-minded project at least give them something interesting to do.  As a black comedy, i didnt laugh once as i was too busy masturbating with sandpaper as i fantasised about the makers of this movie being raped by a giant orc with barbed wire wrapped around his knob./

The director can’t direct, the actors cant act, the writers can’t write, the special fx are only special in an educational needs sense and its just…so…bad. The most shocking thing of all is, according to imdb, the budget for this shrieking shitheap was THREE MILLION QUID. It is absolutely no exaggeration to say it doesnt look even 1% of that. Is it some kind of scam? Money laundering? An obscure tax loophole masquerading as a movie? F**k right off. Unforgiveable fermented orc shit.
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