The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec | Gamerillaz

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec
 

Hello, how was your easter? Did you enjoy loads of chocolate or does your skin always look like that? No chocolate for me, only sun…lots of sun. And now have a burnt neck. And a burnt leg. But so what? I’m burnt, you’re ugly, but we’ve got movies to review, so tais-toi!

So let’s begin with the directorial return of Luc Besson. The man who brought us Leon and The Fifth Element has been a bit quiet of late, doing the odd bit of producing and writing but hasn’t really bothered his french arse with directing since the critical immolation of Joan of Arc, a vanity project for the aesthetically pleasing but dramatically limited Mrs Besson, and a few poxy kids films. So whats this…thing?

The confused story has the extremely good looking Adele Blanc-Sec and a swath of deeply ugly men gurning, twitching and shouting their way through a muddle of CG pterodactyls, amiable mummies and “hilarious” japes as the heroine tries to jailbreak some old coot who can resurrect some egyptian pharaoh who can cure her brainlocked sister. So what are Adele’s good points?

1. It looks great. But then that’s a given for A film de Luc Besson.
2. She (albeit briefly) gets le tits and le derriere out. Viva la France!
2. She’s not THE Adele whose pie-hungry whalesong is constantly dribbling out of the radio like the fat-streaked jism from a randy hippo’s penis while boring people say “She’s got a really good voice doesn’t she?”

D’accord, now what are her not-so-good points?
1. Annoying. The whole movie is plagued with really, really annoying pantomime acting accentuated by horrendously twee music cues.
2. Doesnt have much in the way of le plot, it really doesnt.
3. On the one hand it seems like a film for french 10 year olds, on the other theres a bit of nudity and a rather unsavoury accident involving a hairpin and a brain, and its nearly 2 hours long. Who is this for, exactly?

I’m a massive fan of french cinema, primarily because of the recent crop of merciless horror films such as Maryrs and the amazing L’Interiour but this is just a silly gallic version of The Mummy. With tits!

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