Game of Thrones | Gamerillaz

Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones

“It’s Boromir! shouted Frodo in delight as a familiar shape lumbered out of the forest. Liv Tyler lowered her magic bow and breathed a sigh of relief. Samwise stopped eating and mumbled hello to the approaching man, spraying wet crumbs over the soggy ground. Frodo ran up to Boromir shouting about magic rings and walking trees and giant eagles and wizards and trolls and elves and…. Boromir looked at him in silence. Then in one smooth movement his hand fell to his sword hilt, there was a blur and the babbling hobbit’s body exploded, fingers and hairy feet scattering across the red ground. A curly head dropped into Sam’s lap. His eyes bulged and he began to scream, then vomited half-digested magic elf bread over frodo’s glassy eyed face. He tried to stumble to his feet while pulling out a clumsy sword but collapsed and promptly impaled himself through the groin. He rolled onto his back shrieking and convulsing like a dung beetle having an epileptic fit. 

Boromir watched this impassively, then in five long strides was at Liv Tylers side as she stared aghast at the hobbity carnage. “Why Boromir? What has brought thou to such fell deeds?” she screamed. Boromir glared at her. “My name is Eddard Stark” He spat. One gauntleted fist lashed out and Liv Tyler found herself facedown in the mud gasping.  ”I’ve no idea oo this bormar is, but i dunt like sound of im, and i dunt like these f**king shortarses either.” he announced. He then reached down and ripped off Liv Tylers bodice and skirt in one manly movement, revealing her royal elvish arse. Eddard Stark chuckled and began to unbuckle his codpiece.”And now I’m going to right rape you, by ‘eck. With m’penis.” He added.

Liv Tyler moaned..what was going on…this kind of thing never happened in middle earth…help me jrr tolkein…help me…

HBO’s latest Big Budget tv epic Game of Thrones, based on the fantasy series A Song of Fire and Ice (clearly a slightly too geeky title) I’m a bit conflicted by fantasy fiction in general, but this first episode has already shown it stands well apart from a limited genre dominated by the impressively detailed but dramatically subpar scribblings of JRR Tolkien.  Game of Thrones has been heralded as The Sopranos in Middle Earth, which I dont really see, its got a lot more in common with something like Rome. Disembowelings, naked women, bold language. Theres no c**ting hobbits having second breakfasts or motherf**king camp aryan elves singing songs and washing their hair…there IS a dwarf, but seeing as his introductory scene involves him having his crank gobbled by some large-breasted strumpet we’ll allow G.O.T a vertically challenged protagonist. It’s not exactly that fat f**k Gimli is it?

I’ll try not to give too much away. The pre-credits sequence is more like a horror movie than some kind of rum sword and sorcery romp…dismembered body parts, decapitation, scary creatures that vaguely resemble the uber-orcs from The Lord of The Rings. Followed by a stunning credit sequence. Very cool. The rest is a muddy and dark medieval intro to the main players in Game of Thrones and there’s a fair few of them. Sean Bean’s the main man here, didnt recognise anyone else. It all looks stunning and theres enough rugged man-hugging, blood, midgets, incest, sexual politics and paedocide to keep even the most jaded viewer engaged.

I have say I’m highly impressed…I think this will be huge. I just hope it doesnt go the way of Boardwalk Empire which started off with a cracking first episode but then slowed right down and just plodded along in a vaguely interesting way for another 10 hours. Recommended, and looking forward to seeing where this goes. Winter is coming, I tell thee…

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