Machete | Gamerillaz




This is what happens when the internet turns into some kind of giant, free focus group for eager to please filmakers. Ok, the fake Grindhouse trailer looked quite a laugh but constructing an entire movie around a series of OTT moneyshots…? No. Just…no. Tell you what, check out the red band trailer that was released about a month ago. That’s all you need to see. There’s nothing else in the movie, and the remaining eighty-odd minutes are just Rodriguez killing time between the trailer spots, treading water and basically just pulling his pud. And with the outrageous eye candy onscreen, who can blame him for using his camera as a penis and the audience as a massive oily frantic hand? Jessica Alba…just ridiculously fit, useless character saddled with fist-bitingly bad dialogue…Michelle Rodrigeuz, looking honed toned and ready to be boned, and as always looking never more than 24 hours away from a fairly decent moustache, Linsay Lohan, who’s famous or something, and a bevvy of other lovely ladies with their boobs and arses out. This is A GOOD THING.

There’s loads of washed up eighties action fodder in here as well but apart from a nifty double shotgun decapitation IT’S ALL IN THE RED BAND TRAILER. I felt the same about 300, saw the ad and thought, hmm, looks cool and ended up sitting through filler while waiting for bits I’d already seen. A trailer shouldnt be a whore giving up all the good stuff. For the rest of it, well any kind of criticism is pretty subjective as it’s meant to be crap, sort of. I just find it strange that it takes a modern film-maker 20-30 mill to make a film that looks like it was shot with a budget of the square root of f**k all. Maybe all the money went towards Alba, Rodriguez, De Niro, Segal etc’s trailers and personal masseuses….and as for Danny Trejo as scrotum-faced Machete…good bad guy, mediocre good guy with zero screen presence and forgettable lines. The action that isnt in the trailer is meh and it just isnt as much fun as it promised. I cant believe I’m giving a movie with an intestinal abseiling scene a thumbs down but there you go. Isn’t life strange?

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