The Expendables | Gamerillaz

The Expendables

The Expendables
 
Age….it gets to us all. Look at Dave Kong…once possessed of Samson-like flowing locks of curled knicker-dampening masculinity…now his head a fallow field of wispiness and lost dreams, punctuated by the occasional boil. Watching The Expendables is an uneasy experience for those of us of the VHS generation…once strapping young bucks eagerly scanning the shelves of the local “video store” for the latest “18″ rated Arnie/Stallone/Van Damme…now in decline, flab-fringed baggy-eyed kidults watching pirated hd screeners on our vast plasma screens while frantically ramming a kamagra down our urethra as our leatherfaced f**k buddy screams racist abuse at our malfunctional ugly genitals. I don’t want to speculate about his genitals, but Sly looks quite frighteningly muscular for a 64 year old man, god knows what unholy cocktail of steroids and surgery is responsible but Arnie, a mere 63, looks quite frail in comparison when he wanders on for his 30 seconds or so of glory. I have to admit I was quite impressed with Stallone’s Rambo reboot, just for its sheer blood-drenched audacity, so was quite looking forward to this much-hyped testosterone bath.

In truth, this fan-ad made the Expendables look like a lot more fun than it actually is….it’s very 80′s and refreshingly not trying to be any way self-referencial but its also very stupid and doesnt make the most of the gathered titans of mancinema. For a start, Arnie and Bruce Willis are in it for a matter of seconds. Glorified cameos. There’s still plenty of macho to go around mind…. Let’s just list the cast or I’ll sure I’ll forget someone. The cast IS the film here, the story is a load of bollix.

Stallone: The leader of The Expendables, and the moral core of this group of withered mercs. Shoots people.
Statham: uses his full range of facial expressions (1) and dramatic range (whispery staring hard man all the way to shouty stabby hard man) as Stallone’s knife-happy cohort and bromantic interest. Most of the movie is Sly and Statham, the latter probably gets the best action sequences.
Dolph Lundgren: Has been languishing in direct-to-dvd limbo for decades now…malevolent golem-like bruiser here.
Jet Li: Still can’t speak english properly. Seems to be here for comic relief, as he’s quite small. And everyone else is massive, innit.
Some Wrestler guys: Don’t know who they are. One of them has a massive automated shotgun which is quite impressive.
Mickey Rourke: The Expendables Armourer. Stays at home, delivers some raspy monologues and has a knife-related rivalry with Statham.
Arnie: As mentioned, shows up, delivers about 4 lines of dialogue, then wanders off.
Bruce Willis: Shows up for one scene, gives Stallone his mission, then disappears. Could have used more of Bruce, he’s probably got more screen presence than any two or three Expendables combined.
There’s bone-crunching hand-to-hand action, some iffy cg blood, a high body count and a pretty anticlimatic final battle. It’s only really a minor skirmish, just another day in the office for the lads. The end would hint this is an attempt to get a new franchise off the ground, but while it’s mildly entertaining watching these lumbering man-mountains assert their flagging virility it’s not vintage stuff or even particularly memorable. Or maybe that’s just the alzheimer’s kicking in.
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